if you knew i don’t want tomorrow to come
something has become a habit, a part of my body, like my flesh
when tomorrow comes, it means i’ll have to cut it off
it means “perhaps, never again”
if you knew it hurt me the same
or more
though i’ll do what i need to do
you’re there em?
Hmmm - I guess not. I wonder what you’re doing, where you are who you’re with, what you’re thinking, seeing, hearing, feeling . . . .
I wonder if I should wonder less. Probably – but easier mused over than acted on, and you’re a much more pleasant focus than work.
Spent the weekend in Pattaya with the boys (every bit as damaging/chaotic as expected and more), and came back in a haze to autumn in Hanoi – a sudden shift from baking heat to cool morning air, soft light, something more subdued in the air.
Maybe it’s Oan Hon passing with the full moon – the scent of incense still heavy in the air, or the moon cakes and lanterns appearing with Tet Trung Thu on the way, but something has changed here in the last week, an imperceptible shift between two entirely different cities. Even in myself I feel slower, reflective. There is something about mua thu that suits hanoi so well, the fading light, an edge – however slight – of melancholy, something that gives the city back it’s dignity, it’s history, after months of the throb and hum of summer exuberance.
Maybe it’s just that it matches the autumn colours in me. The slipping by of days. The musing on ends and beginnings.
Today I ate breakfast on the lake – cool air and a mist, however slight, on the water. It was beautiful . . .
[received from N, Aug 19th ]
but maybe you like me because of the fact that i remember things and cherish memories. why do you want me to forget?
i did not ask you to forget. i just asked you to forgo.
“but you said you would stay for yourself. not for me, not for us.”
“am leaving for myself too.”
“no, i have the feeling you are leaving because of me”
“because of you, yes. but i am doing it for myself. it’s good for me.”
to put an end to toleration. to put an end to the emptiness that waits for me to open my eyes and face every single morning by your side.
i have to leave to save myself from being held down to all these trivia depression. i hate to think bad of you, of her, i hate recalling speaking it straight to your face: “i look down on what you did to each other.” and you said: “i know.” ah, fuck! If you just stood up, got angry, fought for what you believed. you let me walk on you. and i dont want to
i have to put an end to it before i become somebody disdainful. i want to be the me that i like being with. i need to stay away from you to let you be and myself be.
let you be and myself be.
“what if you stay till the end of the month?”
so that you would continue giving me misleading, disillusioning sparks? no need.
i want to be someone greater than myself but being with you has turned me to be so selfish and banal. let’s not talk about who’s right and wrong. tired of that.
i won’t stay, won’t wait for you to heal up as you asked. i wish to see you save yourself while i do mine.
i lost it.
it took gerard two years of stay in america to come back to vietnam. it took me a heartbreak.
it’s been a while since i last wrote something down. well, i did. handwriting in my little notebook. but mostly, i zipped myself up. found it impossible to let things out. honestly.
it’s exactly the middle of august. more or less, half a year i’ve been exposed to incidents in life like cruel waves that come attack and left me cringing, fading, shrinking and fragile.
broken. broken. broken.
and they’re not just words anymore when it’s just spelled out so clearly in the head like somebody were inside my head speaking.
i woke up, opened my eyes and sat up. and that was the word, exactly the word that popped up: “broken”. it’s like reaching enlightenment, ironically.
the last time was just last week. [ i never told you, did i? and you, too? because i don't say it doesn't mean it wasn't there and everything was fine. i was hurt. but it's not even yr fault]
i suffer from what i am going through. but i love what i see and the world around me.
you just want to make an emo out of yourself. no, my friend. i aspire to stop feeling this fragile. time heals, you think? things follow one another to collapse since my dad’s hospitalization in february. this is a strange year. a challenging one for me.
but i still want to love the world around me.
