speechless
anyway
I’m sorry for the drama
like I said
i was just confused
and you know I love you very much
and to be honest I’ve been feeling like kind of a fool for being such a sap anyway
and I thought you probably were seeing someone
I just didn’t want to ask until I felt I had to. . . .
and after seeing you
i was even more confused
having gone from nowhere
to nowhere/somewhere
still on the out
but having rediscovered everything about you that I loved so much
and realising again that I felt like I would do anything for us to have some kind of chance
at least to discover whether it could work after all
or if I was just in love with an ideal notion of what we could be
anyway
I don’t want your thanks
i dont really know what to say
I just want you to understandand maybe I just need to get over it
and myself
[again]
but I believe in you so strongly
that I’ve never found that so easy to do
me: lucky me
very lucky me
N: ha
yeah right
I’m not sure if I would go that far
me: to….?
well, how did i manage to do that?
cant figure it out
me: so, can only say s a matter of luck
to gain your belief
N: through a long period of me discovering
layer after layer
who you really were
and moving from being lightly ‘in love’ with you in the beginning
to realising you were someone I really believed in
really liked
really cared for
more than I’ve really cared for anyone in a long, long time
I guess I saw the poetry in your soul
revealed to me slowly
and have only ever fallen deeper since then
so in the end I can say
despite everything
that I love you em
and I can tell my friends
when they ask
that when it comes down to it
I still love you
after all this time/damage/distance
and that you are someone I believe in
with all my heart and soul
[usually said with a wistful, slightly self-effacing half smile of sad acceptance of where we are - so far away in so many ways, so close in so many others]
11:38 AM me: this is not good – you re making me cry
N: hush em
me: am touched
and despite your hush, i feel lucky
N: yeah, well . . .
nothing to cry about princess
you lead your life
I’ll do my best to lead mine
or to find my way again
and after all
at day’s end
you know at least how I feel
me: i guess i ve done bad to you enough- so whatever you want me to do, tell me, okay ?
chi oi
why did you go?
you’ve done nothing to me I haven’t balanced
and, ultimately, I’m accepting of everything
the last thing I would ever want to do is hold you back or bring you down
please remember that
and see through our history
and my flaws
and know that however far away either of us moves
physically or emotionally
that I am what I am
and so will be here for you for a long time to come
So, I try to look at it this way
“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the
world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its
purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever-more
wonders.” —Andrew Harvey
